Fragile

There are some nights I just want to escape from everything and this just happens to be one of those nights. I’ve never felt so empty and shattered. So unable to stand up for myself and taken for granted. Always, alway taken for granted. Awhile ago, somebody asked me, ‘What’s happened to you?’. Truth be told, I didn’t know what to say because I myself have no frigging idea what is wrong with me. I have been functioning properly for the past quarter, studying to keep things on track and laying low. 

I need some alone time. Alone time someplace other than my room or house. I need to figure things out. Five months to go and I’m done with high school. If I do get to graduate. I am psyched for college; for new people and new memories. Last year was my banner year. This year most certainly isn’t.

The tears don’t stop flowing. I’m being melodramatic, over acting, some might think. I say, who the f gives a sht? I am grieving the slow demise of a girl who once had it all but is now fighting to holding on.

I’m losing myself. 

What if?

This time a year ago, I had no idea who you were. Three months later, I started to notice you. And now, you’re the only thing that crosses my mind.

Every time I see you, my heart flutters and the rest of the world disappears. Every time I catch you looking at me, I feel like jumping for joy. But, then, you disappear just as quickly. You turn away like you didn’t notice me when I know perfectly well that you did. But before I know it, the bell rings. You leave with your friends and all I’m left with is a chorus of ‘what ifs’.

Thoughts..

So I guess this is it then..

This is my senior year and I don’t even feel like it is. Do you remember when, at the start of every school year, you’d say ‘I don’t think I like my section..’ and end up eating your words as that year comes to a close? Well, that happened to me last year. I didn’t think I would fit in again and be known to my classmates as the quiet girl who’s good in English. But I hated that. I loathed not being able to express myself freely; especially with people I’d be spending my junior year with. So I decided to take a chance– a leap of faith, if you may call it to alter the perception others had about me. Fortunately, it worked. Within that one year together, I found out that there was so much more to my classmates than I thought. I discovered a different side to each of them which led me to understand their personalities better. I became close to people I never thought I’d be able to say more than ‘Hi’ to and strengthened my relationship with those who I’d known before.

Never will I forget the people who’ve helped me to become who I am right now; people who will always be a big part of my life. God blessed me with the most wonderful people to spend my junior year of High School with; also with the craziest and most loving advicer ever. So I’m extremely grateful to Him for giving me everything I could ever ask for.

I don’t want my senior year to be a fluke. I don’t want it to end not knowing every single person in my class and not understanding why they act the way they do. I don’t want for us to be divided all throughout the year. I feel that what I’m asking for is not impossible; that it’s actually doable. It’s just something we all have to work on.

So, this time, Lord, I’m asking for Your guidance. I have yet to find the willpower and strength to keep me going until March. I know that I can go through this but I can’t do it alone. If I am going to be spending my senior year with these people, I won’t let it be that I leave St. Scho feeling like something is missing. So help me God.

I have a Macbook!!

So it’s 12 midnight and I’m currently playing HSM songs on my Macbook. Yes, you read it correctly. My Macbook. I just had to blog about this since this is the first time I’ll be having my own laptop after being confined to using two ancient computers (one currently used as a CCTV monitor & the other totally incapable of functioning again) and a Kindle Fire. Technically, it was my sister’s Macbook but she got a new one so now I have this white, gleaming laptop all to myself.

So there you have it! That’s all I’ve got to say for now considering I’m about to fall asleep on the keyboard. Good night, everybody~

Things to do~

  • Go over the workbooks for the mock exam on Monday!!
  • Start writing more formal pieces
  • Study, study, study
  • Accomplish the requirements for the new school year
  • Acquaint myself more with the latest news
  • Decide on a course..
  • DIET!! :( (Cohen, I’m starting again tomorrow)
  • Stop procrastinating and get off Thought Catalog & Twitter
  • STUDY!!

Thoughts

Honestly? I hate this. I hate how I can’t even do anything to change things. Well, maybe I am capable of doing something but I just can’t help but feel that it’s not going to work out. I’m scared of rejection. And I especially don’t want to be rejected by you.

Sometimes, others say I think too lowly of myself. But this is how I really see myself: a hard-faced girl on the brink of disappearing into nothingness. I can’t see myself in any other way. Or sometimes I feel as if I’m not allowed to. I care too much about what other people think. So I try very hard to live up to their expectations- expectations I can’t seem to reach. Or is it really their expectations that I’m trying to live up to?

I don’t know anything right now. I’m just sick and tired of living this way. I want to stop trying to be someone others will perceive to be better than the real me. And I think this is a really good way to start. So, I’m going to give it everything I’ve got because God knows you’re worth it.